Sunday, February 23, 2014

The things we know...... and the things we don't

My friend Peg and I have often discussed just how fantastic it would be if we could just get inside our kid’s head for five minutes! That is all we wanted, 5 minutes…. 5 minutes just to see what is really going on in there.

We never really know, we may think we do, but we really, really don’t.

As much as I think I know my son like the back of my hand, there are still times when I realize I do not know anything at all.

For example, during his 3rd year of swimming with Special Olympics, his coach yelled over to me one day at practice “He just figured out he can open his eyes with the goggles on!” – At that point in time, he’d been wearing the goggles for practice twice a week and during competitions for as I said, 3 years. It never occurred to me or anyone else for that matter that he didn't know he could open his eyes while wearing them. I suppose, that knowing him as I think I do, it should have, but – no, it did not.

I am relatively sure he does not understand “death”. Other than Bambi’s mother and Old Yeller (who was quickly replaced at the end), none of his favorite Disney characters ever die, really. If they do – it doesn't last. Someone kisses them, or a spell is cast and there they are, good as new. I try to talk to him about death, due to my " dropping dead" obsession and because everyone dies eventually. I never want him to think I just left him, but I really can not say that he understands it at all.

DC seems to live in the present. Things change and he just changes with them. I had a conversation with my friend, Toni a while back. Her daughter can watch something like Full House and relate it to her own life – high school, college, get a job, buy a car, get married, and have children. DC watches but does not relate any of this to his own life. He went to high school because I sent him. He moved on to "college" because I sent him and so on. I tell him what to do and he does it. I have tried to have conversations with him about what he thinks should come next in his life, but these conversations just tend to go to “dinner” or whatever meal or activity may be coming up. His future is not a concept he can grasp. He lives in the present and doesn't seem to think about anything changing in his life, things just change and he just goes with it.

– (Speaking of Full House – Just for the record…. having that many people all living under the same roof, would just send me right over the edge for good – just saying :) ) –

So the other night DC was on a ‘picture drawing’ roll – Flowers for Mom, Hearts for Mom, Birthday Cake for Mom and then this…..

Needless to say I was a little bit thrown. DC’s Dad and I divorced when DC was 3. At the time, I didn't try to explain it to him, I was too busy trying to get him diagnosed. It didn't seem to faze him, he still saw his Dad every week and I was sure he would not understand any attempt I could make at explaining it to him. He never seemed to think anything of it. As marriage is something I never had or have any desire to do again, it is not something we ever talked about. Other than adding “Baby for Mom” to his Christmas list a few years ago, I never really had any indication that he might realize that things may be different here than at his friends’ homes. I am still not sure that he does. It has always been this way – it is what he is used to.

Most of his friends do have parents that are together and they also have brothers and sisters. But I still do not think he relates that to his own life. But again, every time I think I have him figured out he does something like presenting me with a drawing of a three layer wedding cake specifically for “Mom” and he has me guessing all over again.

That five minutes in his head, would come in very handy right now, but since I can’t have that, I am going to assume that he just really loves Wedding Cake and he just wants to share with his Mom………….



Sunday, February 16, 2014

Everyone needs a little “fairy dust”

Harassing my co-workers for their paper towel rolls for a project this week, made me think about the reasons I don’t buy paper towels myself. This then led me to think about all of the other things I don’t buy, have to hide or make adjustments to, around the house.

Shampoo: This is no longer an issue, but at one time and for many years if I forgot to take the shampoo out of the shower, most of the bottle would be used to paint a masterpiece and the rest went down the drain…… every time.

Paper Towels: Paper Towels are for shredding and only for shredding. On the rare occasion that I do buy them, they have to be hidden on top of the refrigerator. Hiding the paper towels makes them not very convenient for me to use and forgettable, so there really isn’t any point  in buying them at all.

Paper: Every single piece of blank paper in the house has a Disney character’s name written on it. Teachers, Camp councilors and  anyone else I have to write a note to, receives that note on our exclusive custom stationary. After a few weeks of notes to camp, the Director finally asked “Do you guys do ‘A Character a day or something’?” No, unfortunately nothing that creative, I just can’t keep the paper out of the hands of my in-house stationary designer.

Construction Paper: Construction paper is also used specifically for character names, BUT according to the rule made up in his head,  these sheets can not and will not be saved. They MUST be cut up into small pieces with scissors and spread out all over the floor. He must also write on each sheet of  an entire package of paper before he begins the job of shredding/cutting. A few pieces just doesn’t do it. A package of construction paper will only last an hour or two after it has been opened.
He has been a bit better with the construction paper lately. He still writes his character names. He still will not save them as he does with plain white paper, but now at least, he rips them up, one at a time and throws them away. -  (say it with me….) Progress!

Baby wipes (or hand wipes): Wipes are used for “Cinderella chores” ; washing the floor and door. This could actually be a good thing if he didn’t use  20 of them to wash the same spot on the same floor and the same spot on the same door. We don’t buy wipes anymore.

Scotch Tape: Scotch tape can be used on anything and for anything. For the most part, it is used to tape up pages in his books. Some books require an entire roll for just the smallest tear. Scotch tape can also be used to build a drum out of a cup or a bowl. He covers the top of the cup or bowl with tape….. a two roll minimum of tape, and this is his drum. Yes, creative, and yes he figured this out by himself but now I have to hide my tape in the cellar if I hope to find any when I need it.

His very own scotch tape is now an item on all of his Christmas/Birthday lists. One friend in particular has been very creative with her gifts of scotch tape. He just loves them!
Pens: No matter how many pens I hide for myself, I can not ever find a pen. He has all of them…… somewhere, I don’t know where and he is not telling. He will return the pens that don’t work -  those are always readily available.

Buttons: If there is a button there, it needs to be buttoned. Years ago I thought I was being sneaky by removing the top button on all of his shirts so he would not insist on buttoning everything right up to his neck. I discovered I was not as slick as I thought I was one day when DC brought me one of his shirts to have the button removed. He knows there should be a button there and knows I’m cutting it off, but for some reason this is alright with him. Leaving it on and not buttoning it, is not.

Other clothes: All tags must be removed from all clothing. If he should find the smallest rip, tear or string, he will proceed to shred that article of clothing. It may take him all day, but he will make sure it can never be worn again. Just recently I mistakenly bought him a pair of jeans that had ready-made tears in them. When I realized, I was sure this would be a disaster, but for some reason, it was fine with him. He wears them quite regularly…….. figure that one out. I can not!

Salt: We do not keep salt or sugar on the table. Salt is used as fairy dust. If it is not being sprinkled on his food, then there is no other use for salt, except to be used as fairy dust. Crumbs, the cereal dust at the bottom of the cereal box, crushed chips and a number of other items can also be used as fairy dust, but salt is the ultimate in fairy dust.

I’ve been “Fairy-Dusted” many times, so has the kitchen, the living room, restaurant tables and his uncle when, a few years back, DC got his hands on some cotton candy sugar at a picnic (Cotton Candy Sugar = Pink and Blue Fairy Dust; what could be better!)  Delightfully he took a very large handful and “dusted” his Uncle’s head yelling;

“Think of a wonderful thought”  

His Uncle didn’t get it……..

But really…..who couldn’t use a little fairy dust every once in awhile?


(He is better with salt these days, but I  will not keep it on the table, it is just too much for him to resist)


Monday, February 3, 2014

File under: “Rules I thought I would never have to make”

As promised in "Looking Handsome in the Princess Room" here is the story about the next time DC met Snow White.

Right around this time last year we decided to go on a Disney Cruise. DC as you can imagine, was very excited. He loved the cruise, the shows, the mountain of bacon he tried to sneak every morning and of course, the characters on board, specifically the Princesses.

This particular evening we had just met one princess and were about to get in line for "Alice" when the boy that was managing the line told us that Alice was almost finished and ready to leave. We went and stood where DC could at least see her and explained that she was leaving soon so he would not be able to meet her. The "Line Manager" who must have been watching DC when he met the previous princess and also saw how excited he was just looking at Alice, came over to us and told us that Snow White was due out soon and he had arranged it so we would be second in line to see her. First in line would be the family of the woman who was playing Snow White (shhhh! I didn't say that!).

After everyone cleared away, he put us and "the family" in line. DC was over the moon and she hadn't even come out yet!

I think we have been to Disney every year - or close to every year since DC was 7 but he is always just as excited to see the princesses as he was the very first time. The "Line Manager", between dancing up and down the line, stopped to talk to DC a few times. He was getting a kick about how excited DC was.

Finally she came out. We waited through the family visit and pictures and then it was DC's turn. I took my regular position with the camera and Doug stood off to the side a little bit.
DC was having some sort of conversation with Snow White while I was taking pictures.


Next he gave her a huge hug, she seemed okay with that.
Then……

He got so excited, he picked her up and swung her around in a circle like a rag doll!
Did a get a photo? no… a video? no. We (the “Line Manager” included) were all too busy charging the little stage area because he was not letting her go!

I have to hand it to Snow White; she stayed in character the entire time!

“Oh MY! How strong you are!”

Obviously, he was not trying to hurt her, it was just a very exaggerated hug!
Snow White was fine - everyone was fine. We got our picture and left the area, but I felt it was necessary to make a new rule;

"YOU CAN NOT PICK UP THE PRINCESSES"

I didn't realize that the same people play the same princess parts for the duration of the cruise until a few nights later when we went to the Princess Room to see 4 princesses. I realized that it was the same Snow White. Oh boy, I was sure she was going to get security for DC’s visit.

When we got to the front of the line, the “Line Manager” from the other day was also there.

“Hey, I remember you!”

I said that I was sure that he did.

He turned to Snow White and said “Snow, do you remember DC?”

Snow White said “Oh My yes! You are very strong!”

I told both of them not to worry, we have a new rule and DC will not pick her up and spin her around.
DC walked up to Snow White and said

“I have to “Apolo  – gize” .

That was a complete surprise to me and  Snow White seemed to think it was cute. She told him everything was fine.
He proceeded to “Apolo – gize” to every other princess in the line. They all accepted his apology even though the rest of them had no idea what he was “Apolo – gizing” for.

I’m sure they were all informed later……..

The rule has been altered a bit since then. Now, anytime I know that we are going to meet anyone that he will be excited about,  I ask:

“What’s the rule?”

DC answers “Don’t pick up the people”

I think that should cover it.
There is another story about this vacation and I will get to it one of these days.


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Seriously>


I have read so many articles and lists recently regarding “What not to say to an Autism Parent” and “The 10 dumbest things people have said”, etc…….

And yes, yes, I’ve heard almost all of them before – more than once.

I’ve been told “He doesn’t look Autistic”

At a birthday party a parent asked “Does he eat?”

Another: “Can he talk?”
Yes
“Well he’s okay then, right?”

I’ve always said that I’d rather people ask questions than stare or assume. Some people do, and I always welcome the fact that they want to learn. I have had many wonderful conversations with strangers that were genuinely interested in learning about autism – his autism, as the saying goes…. “If you meet one Autistic person, you’ve met ONE Autistic person.” ~ Unknown

Recently I was visiting DC’s work program. There was a woman standing there that looked a bit familiar to me, but I could not place her. She looked at me and said “I know you, Vickie”
I was the team manager for our local Special Olympics golf team for a few years (insert laughter, as I know NOTHING about golf) and her nephew who also has autism, was one of my players.

We chatted for a bit. It turns out that she was there because her nephew was transitioning into the same work program as DC.

As we were chatting,  she said:
“You son is SO handsome. You should be thankful he has Autism so you won’t have to worry about all of the girls that would be flocking around him”
Now she is a very nice woman and I know in her own way, she actually thought that was a compliment, 

Seriously???.....

Sunday, January 19, 2014

"Funny Friday" (from the archives - August 27, 2013)


For two years after “Graduation”, DC attended a transition program through the school system at a local college.
I was visiting the school for a class event, one Friday afternoon and his teacher, “Mr. Disney” (as DC calls him) excitedly came over to me and asked “Did you help him with his jokes today?” Not knowing what he was talking about, I said “No, what jokes?”  One of the IA’s (you may refer to them as “Para’s, we call them IA’s) chimed in to tell me that he told 3 jokes at “Funny Friday” that morning.

Mr. Disney went on to tell me that every Friday is “Funny Friday” and all of the students tell their favorite jokes at the morning meeting.

Okay….
                     Let’s pause here for a moment……

I don’t know how long (or if ever) it will take before anyone will understand that HE IS NOT GOING TO COME HOME AND TELL ME THESE THINGS! If someone doesn't tell me, I am not going to know. If I had known about “Funny Friday” I would have helped him with some jokes, but unfortunately I was never told.

I was surprised that he actually TOLD a joke because DC’s idea of a joke – and it’s always the same – is:

“Ha, Ha, Ha! Funny Joke!”
Me:   “What’s the joke, Bud?”
“Monster!”

(Insert “cricket” sound here)

They proceeded to tell me the jokes he told that morning and that he told them properly complete with a bow and…. they were actually funny!

“Why did Bo Peep pour chocolate on her sheep?”
“She wanted a chocolate BAAAAAAAAR”

“Why can’t Cinderella play Soccer?”
“Because she ran away from the ball”

“What do they call a Fairy that doesn't take a bath for a month?”
“Stinker-Bell”

He told honest – to – goodness JOKES!  After years of “Monster”, he actually told, not one joke, but three and UNDERSTOOD why they were funny!

Later, I ran into the Interim Dean of Health Sciences, of the college who also told me that DC told three jokes that morning. Everyone was very impressed, to say the least!

But still I had no idea where he got these jokes.

About a week later, “Mr. Disney” finally got DC to tell him where he got his material.
Actually, he showed him……
After asking him all week, DC went to the computer, typed “Disney jokes” in the search engine and found a web-site full of Disney jokes.

He memorized them and had them ready for “Funny Friday”!

He was able to figure out on his own that “Monster” wasn't cutting it for “Funny Friday” and he needed jokes AND went about finding them himself, remembered them and had them ready for Friday!

“Monster” is still his favorite joke though………


Thursday, January 16, 2014

Literally Speaking


Twelve years ago, I wrote this:
"You can NEVER be too specific:
 While learning “grocery shopping” in the classroom; his plastic cart full of plastic food... he was told that it was time to "put everything on the counter to pay" – Instead of taking the food out of the cart, he lifted the entire cart onto the counter!"

"When you tell your child to pull his sweat pants down over his socks and he proceeds to PULL HIS PANTS DOWN from the waist to his ankles - You know you were not specific enough with your request."
And a few years later, this:
My son loves to write little “stories” (he thinks they are stories, but they are usually just one line).
I had been home from work for a few days with the "Flu".  It really didn't occur to me that he had no idea what the "Flu" was and I wondered why he would laugh each time I mentioned it. He decided he would write one of his one-line “stories” for me to make me feel better ……
“Mom was so high"
It took me a few minutes…… but then I realized he thought I “Flew”
§  Then there was the time I said “Now listen closely” and he stuck his face one inch from mine…..
§   He laughed for about a week after I told him it was time to “hit the road”.

§   Or.. after the third round of kids whacked the piñata at his camp Halloween party, the Director said “Okay, DC, lets’ see you to tear it up” – he yanked it down and ripped it apart with his hands.

There are so many other examples, but these few really stick in my head.
Needless to say, like many people with autism, DC takes everything literally.  Over the years, I have gotten much better at recognizing when something is said or read that taken literally will not make much sense to him. I always try to stop and explain what it means in that context, whether he asks or not.
He has made a great deal of progress in that area as well. He knows that the “flu” does not mean “flying”. He gets that “hit the road” means we have to get going. But he knows these things because they were explained to him, he is not able just figure it out himself – how could he?
Knowing this about my son, I suppose, when I told him to “walk slowly” on the sidewalk just in case there was ice (there wasn't), I should have expected this:


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Does everything really need to be this difficult? (From the Archives - August 30, 2013)


Please Note: The following is a rant, plain and simple; a rant, a vent, whatever you would like to call it. There is no moral to the story, no happy ending, no “Ah Ha” moment, no conclusions to be drawn (actually there are many conclusions to be drawn, but we won’t say them out loud) – just a plain and simple “I’ve had it” kind of rant.

For those of you who don’t have a child with special needs or have young children and haven’t had to think about the “adult” side of things, here’s how it works here. I don’t know if it’s the same in every state, but this is the way it goes here.

When your child reaches the age of 18, depending on the severity of the disability (can he/she make decisions for themselves)  the parent has to apply for guardianship of their own child otherwise they will not have the ability to make decisions for that child. The state views them as adults, period, and this means they should be able to make their own decisions, medically, financially, etc. (Paperwork, Probate hearing)

Due to budget cuts right around the time DC was to about turn 18, anyone not covered under Title 19, lost their caseworkers through DDS (Department of Developmental Services, formally known as DMR). DDS is where the funding comes from for our children’s’ work/day programs after they leave the school system at 21.

This is the time in our children’s lives when you really need to have a caseworker. This is when you have to begin looking for a program for them when they leave school.

Before you can apply for Title 19, you first have to apply for Social Security (tons of paper work).
After you apply for Social Security, you can begin the application process for Title 19. I am fortunate that my case worker, Ruthie, at the time, was there to help with this. She came to my house and my friend who’s son is the same age as DC, came over and we all did the paperwork together. (Thank you, Ruthie! If not for you I’d still be sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out that application!)

Now we’re done, right? Wrong!

Every year I have to fill out the forms for Guardianship (when they come, sometimes they don’t) – just to be sure DC is still disabled. Not a big deal, just annoying. He has autism, it doesn’t go away.
There is an annual report for Social Security as well as an audit or two during the year “just because”. And….. Now that he is in a work program and makes a tiny bit of money, I have to remember to call in during and only during the first 6 days of the month to report his wages to Social Security, so they can reduce his monthly payment appropriately.

Then we get the annual Title 19 redetermination, which is basically as much paperwork as the original application. I’m not complaining, I can live with all of this, but it is a LOT of paperwork!

Complaining begins here:

Now, I may not look like the most organized person in the world, but I do get all of these things done, on time, always!
DC’s redetermination was due on July 20, 2013. On July 16th I mailed a giant package with the application, the year’s worth of check stubs, his last bank statement and insurance cards – everything they asked for in the instructions.

Done! PHEW!

Wrong again!

On Monday, August 26th I received a letter from DSS (Department of Social Services) that his benefits had been discontinued because I did not complete and return his redetermination! There was a form included so I could request a hearing. This form had to be completed and returned by August 30th - in four days!

“Calm” was never and will never be a word used to describe me, so the next morning a dragged all of my “books” to work to recopy all 43 pages of his redetermination, because at this point I can’t think about anything else.

First, I decided to try to call the number (silly, yes I know). There was really no menu item that described this situation and no way to talk to a person, so I moved on to faxing the hearing notice and the copies of the redetermination to the number provided. The fax was cutting out and disconnecting and after I don’t know how many attempts, I gave up trying to fax it all.

Knowing this was going to take more than a fax at this point, I took my lunch break at 9am so I could copy all of these forms, check stubs, insurance cards and bank statements. I decided I would mail one copy to the local office and the other to the address that was on the hearing notice. Two more giant packages in the mail – Done!

I was not confident that either of these packages  would ever be seen by anyone, as they never received the original and having only 3 days now to request a hearing, I found different phone # in all of my 3 ring binder records and tried again to call. Fortunately, I was able to put the call on speaker and do some work while I waited otherwise I’d be putting in for vacation time to finish all of this! Unfortunately, all of my co-workers had to listen to “Your wait time is…. more than 20 minutes” over and over again.

An HOUR and 9 MINUTES later (just a tad more than 20 minutes), an actual person picked up. I explained the situation as calmly as I could.
Her reply was: “Oh, we’ve put a new system into place where all the redeterminations go first to our scanning facility and are inputted into our system for us to work on. Because the system has been up and down and they are very backed up, we probably do have your original redetermination and we have extended everyone’s deadline to November 20th. His benefits have not been cancelled.
Seriously? It may have been more effective to put THAT in the letter instead of telling me his benefits were cancelled and I only had 4 days to do something about it!

Those that know me can imagine where the conversation went from there, so I will spare all of you the details.

End result, she gave me her fax # and I faxed another 43 pages directly to her.  She did explain that she is not the person that would be working on my son’s case, but I wanted them to go to SOMEBODY.

So at this point, there are 3 packages of my son’s information floating around somewhere and one more in the hands of this person who has nothing to do with my son’s case.
She also informed me (after receiving 43 pages) that they really only need the last 4 paystubs. Hmmmm….. Maybe the redetermination instructions could say that!

So….
  • They lost his original packet (but maybe not, we may never know)
  • You can’t talk to a person at the number they provide.
  • They mailed letters to clients telling them their benefits were cancelled. (The person I spoke with said they received 1500 calls that morning)
  • They extended the deadline without bothering to tell anyone (This would have been something to send a letter about –it may have gone a long way to reduce the amount of calls they received.  And really, nobody at DSS found it odd that 1500 cases were being cancelled at the same time, due to non-completion of their redeterminations? – Somebody had to MAIL all of these letters!)
  • They sent a hearing notice to return by fax within 4 days with a fax number that clearly doesn’t work.
  • And I still don’t know if anybody that actually works on his case has his forms at this point.
.
I feel like there was nothing accomplished here and there was an enormous amount of wasted time on both sides.
I suppose I will be in the dark until I get my notice in November.